He is Silent

I've been asked before why I believe in God, and even "why Jesus?" Once I was asked by a very good-natured person who I was willing to vomit all of my history on, but honestly found that I could never really give a good definition for myself, and ashamedly never answered. (Another time I was asked by a big jerk face but I think the question was itself was actually well-intentioned.....despite being called "less intelligent" for my belief later on. Alas.)

Since I am awake at 4 am, and have been since probably at least 2, and I started painting bookcases, (what?!) then it seemed to come to me.

I have a lot of imaginary conversations in my head with people. They usually go something like this "but what if (insert statement of discontent here)?" And then I rattle off my explanation and well thought out points with inherent passion - sometimes just in my head, but lets be honest, mostly out loud to no one. This time, it was an imaginary, "why DO you believe in God?"

I found myself answering in a way that I really hadn't even thought of myself before.

I can reach out and touch a - pillow - for example. I can feel with my hands that it is soft and pleasant. (The one in front of me is a knitted cotton and so is very soft). And even with my other senses deprived I can speak certain truths about the pillow. It's a pillow, for instance. It's soft. It has ribs in it's makeup. And it is actually there.

I don't know much about Descartes, but his "I think therefore I am" never made much sense to me. Exclusive subjective reality doesn't really tally with logic in the long run, in my mind. The pillow is either there or it is not. If it's not there and I sense it, then I'm hallucinating. If it IS there and I don't sense it, well there's something else wrong too. Maybe I just have gloves on....

But as for my belief in God, there is something within me, some sensibility that perceives an objective non-material/spiritual existence. I can feel the pillow and not feel sad or happy or edified by it necessarily, but still know that it is there. And that is what I "feel" about God. I sense that He is there, that He exists. I don't always feel great about that fact. Anger, loneliness, rejection, insignificance are all things that I feel frequently in regard to my faith. (In fact, I feel the struggles and pain of faith much much more frequently than the consolations, especially as I get older.) However, that sensibility in me that perceives God doesn't seem to disappear entirely.

And what I know about God the Father, and Jesus, and the Holy Spirit seem to be in congruence with that Sensed Existence with which I connect.

I can sense a bit more, too, than just "He is there." There is the reasonable perception that He is Good. He is Mysterious. He is Peaceful. On days of consolation I understand that He is Love. On days of desolation the most I can sense is that He is Waiting, or He is Silent. But He is There. Sometimes He is pressing in on all sides so powerfully and yet so gently that my physical senses begin to vaguely, slightly catch up with this spiritual sense - for a microsecond. And then I get distracted by food.

Some of the things that I have "learned" about God of course I weed out because in my heart (or where ever it is that this sensibility resides) I know that THIS fact (for instance, that "God hates f---s") just does NOT jive with the God that I know. That I've met.

On top of that, there are many times that I've "put myself out there" for this Sensed Existence. Not a test so much of "Are you there, God?" but with more confidence that He IS there - "Hello, Jesus, what's up?" And this Sense perceives communication back to me - connection on some level that goes beyond words (usually does not include words at all, unhelpfully), and on the BEST days (perhaps maybe just a month's worth in my whole life) I can barely detect a response - and the response is merely a nod in my direction. Nothing more than a quick smile, or a perhaps a wink. (I blame the lack of verbal communication on my own deficient ability to focus and commitment to daily prayer.) But I very much suck at prayer in the real world, so much of the time there is just He is Silent.

Somehow, that is enough for me.

This explanation works well in my head right now. Perhaps in a month (or tomorrow morining) I will return to read it and think "That really doesn't do it justice." or "Wha?" But for now, we cool.



RMVZ